DVD Review - Shark Attack 3: Megalodon - The worst film ever made?

When 'jumping the shark' becomes 'eaten by the shark'...

It's 2006 right? This decade has been the age where film studio's have been so worried about making $ that the only thing they are doing are TV shows from the past or remakes of previous hits or sequels to films made years ago...they are worried about making $ rather than artistic appeal or trying the new...or newish...gone are the days when they waste money on films such as 'Grease 2' 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls' (more about those gems in another post) and the more recent 'Glitter' - films so bad they are fabulously bad that they become cult hits...or so I thought until my partner Andrew comes back from Blockbuster and presents 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon' for Sunday afternoon viewing...

From the moment I saw stock footage of sharks (circa 1976 and this film was made in 2002) I thought the smell of film manure was in the air...the premise is a giantic shark (bigger than your average London double decker bus mind you)from over 25 million years ago is now circling waters off the coast of Mexico...and has decided to eat a multi-billion $ undersea telecommunications cable and the fine holiday makers of a nearby resort...and yes there are lost of shots of titties and bottoms from the resort for no reason other that they are there...

Well if that isn't bad enough...the acting(my 5 year old nephew would win an oscar for saying 'I did a poo' compared to these 'actors'), costume (all circa 1987 with a BANG) and dialogue is just as original as the plot...this film has basically ripped off scripts ideas/elements/characters from other shark attack films ('Jaws', 'Deep Blue')and given them a new 'edgy' twist by adding even more annoying features...

Meet Ben Carpender lifeguard and general jerk who first notices the shark... and the botox infused Soap Opera reject Cataline Stone (both pictured) - a scientist from the San Diego Museum of History(there is one?) who obviously got her qualifications from a wheeties box...throw in a rough retired seaman Chuck (no beard but a limp and a rusty voice) who knows all about 'lady ocean' and just to make sure the sterotypes are alive and well...the chairman of the Cable company board who gets eaten by the shark on a jet ski(again I'm not making this up...)

The editing was obviously done by a blind crack whore (actually that is an insult to blind crack whores and I apologise) and the continuity person obviously shot themselves to make their job easier...

For example Ben submits his email to identify the shark tooth, he titles the message "Mystery Shark". When Cat finds it, it's titled "Mistery Shark" (I'm not kidding)...

Or when Cat & Ben get in a helicopter with the door open there is no wind...(helicopter is of course on the ground) - this was then carried over to the boat as they speed away to catch the shark...but the boat is moored so the actors pretend they are speeding away - a bit like when the shark breaks into the boat and leaves a hole as big as the moon and yet the boat does not sink...hmmm clever non sinking boat - wish that was invented when the titanic was around...and yes reader these highlights only the tip of this crapola of an iceberg...

The dialogue in this wonderous celulloid would make Oscar Wilde implode...including the following gems...

Cataline Stone:[sigh] I'm exhausted.

Ben Carpenter: Yeah, me too. But you know I'm really wired. What do you say I (pause) take you home and eat your pussy. (hmm friends got killed by ancient shark ..can I munch on your hairy clam?)

AND

Chuck Rampart:Always carry a spare. It's the NAVY way!

(My father, uncle & cousin were all in the navy most of their working lives and many things they have said and no mention yet of spare rule and rekated to the NAVY way...not even the Village People have made reference to it)

AND when they find out its an megalodon from over 25 million years ago...
Ben Carpenter:Megalo-who? ....Or the memorable...

Cataline Stone:You're extinct, fucker! (this is coming from a scientist who studies extinct spiecies?

But I think the best thing is when this shark actually attacks...think bad effects and models with crayola drawings and a shark that growls like a bear...let alone the cocktail party on the boat when people are jumping off that boat that isn't sinking so to be eaten by a shark...

I won't spoil the sub plot(yes the budget allowed for that)as this is possibly the worst film involving the shark genre...at least when the Fonz from 'Happy Days' Jumped the shark he was wearing a leather jacket and said 'Aeeeeee!' two thumbs a blazin'...I can't even begin to tell you how much I laughed at this - do yourself a favor pay the 7 bucks for this DVD hire when you are depressed or thinking that your life is dull and shit..its not as this film is...

O out of five choctops for a film...However 4 and a half golden turds out of 5 for bad films ever...

Big Trip from 2005 - I love Paris...again (Part 3)

OK doll so Paris is beautiful and fab and glamorous etc etc etc...but seriously it so is...and although I thought the Eiffel tower would be just another 'tourist destination'(well it is)it is still an amazing structure...not just a fantastic view of the city...Oh and a tip for the thrifty travellers - you pay depending on which level you want to view from, platform 1 (don't bother too low)

Platform 3 WAY too

high- not much between you and land and death) or the usual destination Platform 2 where everyone goes and still feels quite safe...and yes you see everything from 2- so the 5 euros you save you can by a fabulous chocolate and banana crepe from the seller down below...that is almost as good as this monument to the machine age...french style of course - pefrect for any 'petit voyageur' !

Spunk Alert 10 - Julian McMahon

Julian McMahon is a big spunk...son of a former OZ Prime Minister and the fabulous Lady Sonia, previously married to Danni Minogue and linked to other known celeb's, this playboy and actor has had a colourful and privileged life...and has matinee idol looks and a great chest - and another one with that curse of the older he is becoming he is still hot!

Big Trip from 2005 - I Love Paris...anytime (Part 2)

After London last year I then caught the Eurostar to Paris...I knew I was going to enjoy the visit...but what I didn't realise was I LOVED it...Paris is one of the most beautiful cities in the world...don't ever miss an opportunity to visit the city of Lights...From the Opera House to the Effiel Tower to the Left Bank ( my favorite neighbourhood), the Louvre, all the vistas & the Blvds- all is wonderful...I dont speak French but I had a crack at it and I think it worked!
(Me trying to be a local with the Notre Dame as backdrop)

People told me to expect the French to be rude - no so..The Parisians have a sense of style and adore their city...so what seems to be rude - is not at all...they just live in a beautiful city and know it!

And a very thin city - The locals drink and eat antything they like and are all are quite thin...they seem to BALANCE their diet well....something in OZ we are still trying to work out...

This is one city where I definately want to return (after a crash course in French no less as there really wasn't enough time to do it all...

(To be continued...)

Big Trip from 2005 - London Calling Part 1

I can't believe its been over a year since I was in London... I was hanging out for god only knows how long to visit this city I have read so much about and dreamed so much about too...and yes after 1 week in London I did it all...I was staying with my old school friend Noel and the charming Alberto (pic taken in St Christophers Lane)in their flat - wonderful hosts - I can recommend the hosts of Chez Westminster for a comfortable rest stop for travellers...& also the lads are entertaining tour guides of the town...

Highlights for me were St James Park, seeing Big Ben for the first time(no pun intended), The boat cruise on the Thames to Greenwich(it was almost 20 degrees and sunny!) Shopping on Oxford St, Doing the BBC tour(it's so worth the 10 quid), drinking coffee and watching the boys watch the boys watching the boys go by on Old Compton St, visiting the Tate Modern, the V&A, That fabulous lunch at 'Yatuchua'...god I could go on all day...



What I think what was the biggest relevation (other than the food was REALLY good)is that London is truly a multicultural city - everyone from everywhere on the globe has lived or still lives in London...or just lucky enough to visit it and be a part of it for a moment. It's exciting, old, interesting and fun...and that's just in SoHo on a Friday night!

Now knowing that Noel & Alberto are still there...Eddie & Pete have set up shop and Dirty Bird James is out mucking about around the traps...I so want to go back...as soon as the depoist for the house is saved and that semi detached interwar clinker brick with northly aspect is purchased (not to be too specific) then I can plan another trip to London Town...in the meantime good to know that N & A will be visiting OZ in 07 so all good...

Spunk Alert 9...Chris Evans

Not to be confused with the shock DJ in the Uk (who is definately NOT HOT)...this sexy young man is another who is becoming hotter with age...like the fact he has not waxed his chest...I hope that's in his contract...and he will grace our screens in the sequel to 'Fantasic Four' (lets prey this one will actually be better than the first...) but for now lets prey he continues to keep his shirt off in any film in the next 20 years(and hopefully his pants too!)

Spunk Alert 8...Frederic Michalak

Anyone who is a lover of 'Dieux Du Stade' will recognise this hottie Rugby player from France...and hotness factor of 42 out of 10...Get me Air France Reservations quick...C'est se Bon!

What happened to...the Beverly Sisters

Lordy...I have 3 friends in Sydney who are very close mates...and I have trying to think of a nickname for them...'three stooges' & the 'three amigos' too done and straight...and 'trio'='threesome'(especially in Gayland and in Sydney - which is basically the same)...I needed something a bit new but old...camp and fun...known but still off the wall...and it hit me...Britains answer to the Andrew Sisters... THE BEVERLEY SISTERS!
AND they were actual sisters........eldest sister "Joy" and the twins, "Teddie" and "Babs". Big in the 50's & 60's...their hits included the "Sisters"(how original!), "I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus" &"Drummer Boy". Not only the first UK female group to break into the US top 10 but they were the highest paid female entertainers in the UK for more than a twenty year period.

(Hello soft focus & Vaseline lens !- this is what I want when Im older too )

These gals are amazing - entering to Guiness Book of records in 2002 as the World's longest surviving vocal group without a change in the line up! (Try that one Destiny's Child)and were awarded an MBE in the 2006 New Years Honours List

And they are still hoofing & singing today...and wowing crowds all over - so here's to the girls...and a little reminder to My Beverley Sisters in Sydney...

'God help the mister...that comes between me and my sister...And god help the sister that comes between me and my man!'

(The Song 'Sisters' from the movie 'White Christmas' 1954)

What about me....?

Here I am blogging on about Telly, Spunks and Chopper and nothing about me... So If I may be so BOLD (Ms Babs) Here's some nice pics(like I'm going to load the shit ones) of my life...

Andrew and I in the garden (Last Summer)...We have been together for over 6 years (feels like 60 - I say that with love) and I still love the Welshman v.much...he's still the funniest person I have ever met and makes me laugh everyday...though I think sometimes I only make him laugh when he points out my mentalness..ahhhh well...

Meet Rabbit- the other male in my life . We called him Tyson (after the hottie Tyson Beckford) however when he was a kitten he hopped everywhere then Andy called him 'Silly Rabbit' (aka Lucy Liu to Uma in 'Kill Bill') and the name stuck...and like Ms Lucy & Uma this cat has Hollywood attitude...and an appetite that makes Kirsty Alley blush at the buffet...

Here's some friends at the party we threw on NYE last year...I think they would all like this one as everyone so far away from the camera they look look fun and thin - which they are (of course)!

And my family...this snap was from our trip to Hong Kong (May)- Mum took my sister Rebecca & I so we could go to see Connie Francis(my mothers all time fav singer) - Dad didn't want to go..and my sister got a break from her husband and the kids (who are great)so Mum will hate the pic as we can see her stomach but Rebecca will love it as she looks good...

Will promise more snaps...and less text...

Spunk Alert 7 - The boys from brazil...

Other than Andrew & the cat, homewares, collecting glass, dirty disco & dance music, my friends, challenging architecture, travel, good food & wine ( god could I love enough shit?)....there is just something about the men from brazil....is this just me?



They just seem all to be hot!