Showing posts with label worst film. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worst film. Show all posts

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Movie Review:2012 [What a disaster]


Now before I launch into a one woman show about the state of films in 2009 and Hollywood and unoriginality – I want express my love – love love love for disaster films. My first disaster film was Towering Inferno – the mega skyscraper in the skyline of San Francisco that bursts into flames – a stellar cast of actual somebody’s – Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, William Holden, Faye Dunaway, Fred Astaire, Richard Chamberlain to name but a few – I remembering watching it on TV in the early 80’s and loved it [I was also pleased that it was made in the year of my birth but I digress]. Likewise the Poseidon Adventure – that giant boat hit by the tidal wave - you can’t forget Shelley Winters performance and her swimming medal or the fact that the tables stuck on the ceiling – and Airport with the glamorous soap opera styling that lead to a string of sequels [I will try to forget about Karen Black landing the plane in a later sequel].

In recent years they have remade Poseidon [which was not a copy rather a good film in its own right] and [thankfully] also revamped the genre to suit audiences tastes – look at Cloverfield – Godzilla with Blair Witch styling’s and a good storyline. Or Titanic – the love story where the boat sinks [minus the fact that a woman of breeding would never flip the bird but that’s James Cameron for you] Now with CGI the disasters actually look real – and that much more scary because they do look believable.

But [back to the rant] for every Poseidon or Inferno – there is an Earthquake [please they just shook the camera and pushed over Ava Gardner] and Independence Day [the least I say about that waste of time, film and my life seeing that the better]. And unfortunately 2012 is not so much the ship hitting the iceberg – it’s really the giant moth of 1960’s Japanese disaster film Mosura laying the giant egg of a celluloid stinker in your local theatre.

So your basic premise of any disaster the film is the actual disaster and the effects – generally the best of that year of the film release [Even I have to admit Inferno is now dated and clearly a lego model - but at the time totally believable ]. Now I must admit that 2012 effects are extraordinary. LA plunging into the sea, tidal waves the size of Mt Everest, earthquakes to swallow Las Vegas and a Volcano to rival the destruction of Pompeii – well that is worth seeing on the big screen for – hands down.

But with any movie it’s also about the story - essentially the story of survival for disaster films. Now you need to choose your stars and their characters wisely as you want them to survive and you want to cheer when they do. 2012 - I couldn’t care less if all of the characters were swallowed up by the sea and you just watched more destruction of the Earth due to the alignment of planets [as predicted by the Mayan’s – that’s the premise]. Poor script, poor characters and poor choice of stars. Hands down.

I hope the next blockbuster disaster film won’t be so [insert own cliche here] If you go – go on a 2 for 1 deal or similar and only go for the effects.


2 natural disasters out of 5 [again only for the CGI].

Monday, October 09, 2006

DVD Review - Shark Attack 3: Megalodon - The worst film ever made?

When 'jumping the shark' becomes 'eaten by the shark'...
It's 2006 right? This decade has been the age where film studio's have been so worried about making $ that the only thing they are doing are TV shows from the past or remakes of previous hits or sequels to films made years ago...they are worried about making $ rather than artistic appeal or trying the new...or newish...gone are the days when they waste money on films such as 'Grease 2' 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls' (more about those gems in another post) and the more recent 'Glitter' - films so bad they are fabulously bad that they become cult hits...or so I thought until my partner Andrew comes back from Blockbuster and presents 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon' for Sunday afternoon viewing...

From the moment I saw stock footage of sharks (circa 1976 and this film was made in 2002) I thought the smell of film manure was in the air...the premise is a giantic shark (bigger than your average London double decker bus mind you)from over 25 million years ago is now circling waters off the coast of Mexico...and has decided to eat a multi-billion $ undersea telecommunications cable and the fine holiday makers of a nearby resort...and yes there are lost of shots of titties and bottoms from the resort for no reason other that they are there...

Well if that isn't bad enough...the acting(my 5 year old nephew would win an oscar for saying 'I did a poo' compared to these 'actors'), costume (all circa 1987 with a BANG) and dialogue is just as original as the plot...this film has basically ripped off scripts ideas/elements/characters from other shark attack films ('Jaws', 'Deep Blue')and given them a new 'edgy' twist by adding even more annoying features...

Meet Ben Carpender lifeguard and general jerk who first notices the shark... and the botox infused Soap Opera reject Cataline Stone (both pictured) - a scientist from the San Diego Museum of History(there is one?) who obviously got her qualifications from a wheeties box...throw in a rough retired seaman Chuck (no beard but a limp and a rusty voice) who knows all about 'lady ocean' and just to make sure the sterotypes are alive and well...the chairman of the Cable company board who gets eaten by the shark on a jet ski(again I'm not making this up...)
The editing was obviously done by a blind crack whore (actually that is an insult to blind crack whores and I apologise) and the continuity person obviously shot themselves to make their job easier...
For example Ben submits his email to identify the shark tooth, he titles the message "Mystery Shark". When Cat finds it, it's titled "Mistery Shark" (I'm not kidding)...
Or when Cat & Ben get in a helicopter with the door open there is no wind...(helicopter is of course on the ground) - this was then carried over to the boat as they speed away to catch the shark...but the boat is moored so the actors pretend they are speeding away - a bit like when the shark breaks into the boat and leaves a hole as big as the moon and yet the boat does not sink...hmmm clever non sinking boat - wish that was invented when the titanic was around...and yes reader these highlights only the tip of this crapola of an iceberg...
The dialogue in this wonderous celulloid would make Oscar Wilde implode...including the following gems...
Cataline Stone:[sigh] I'm exhausted.
Ben Carpenter: Yeah, me too. But you know I'm really wired. What do you say I (pause) take you home and eat your pussy. (hmm friends got killed by ancient shark ..can I munch on your hairy clam?)
AND
Chuck Rampart:Always carry a spare. It's the NAVY way!

(My father, uncle & cousin were all in the navy most of their working lives and many things they have said and no mention yet of spare rule and rekated to the NAVY way...not even the Village People have made reference to it)

AND when they find out its an megalodon from over 25 million years ago...
Ben Carpenter:Megalo-who? ....Or the memorable...

Cataline Stone:You're extinct, fucker! (this is coming from a scientist who studies extinct spiecies?

But I think the best thing is when this shark actually attacks...think bad effects and models with crayola drawings and a shark that growls like a bear...let alone the cocktail party on the boat when people are jumping off that boat that isn't sinking so to be eaten by a shark...

I won't spoil the sub plot(yes the budget allowed for that)as this is possibly the worst film involving the shark genre...at least when the Fonz from 'Happy Days' Jumped the shark he was wearing a leather jacket and said 'Aeeeeee!' two thumbs a blazin'...I can't even begin to tell you how much I laughed at this - do yourself a favor pay the 7 bucks for this DVD hire when you are depressed or thinking that your life is dull and shit..its not as this film is...

O out of five choctops for a film...However 4 and a half golden turds out of 5 for bad films ever...