DVD Review - Shark Attack 3: Megalodon - The worst film ever made?

When 'jumping the shark' becomes 'eaten by the shark'...

It's 2006 right? This decade has been the age where film studio's have been so worried about making $ that the only thing they are doing are TV shows from the past or remakes of previous hits or sequels to films made years ago...they are worried about making $ rather than artistic appeal or trying the new...or newish...gone are the days when they waste money on films such as 'Grease 2' 'Beyond the Valley of the Dolls' (more about those gems in another post) and the more recent 'Glitter' - films so bad they are fabulously bad that they become cult hits...or so I thought until my partner Andrew comes back from Blockbuster and presents 'Shark Attack 3: Megalodon' for Sunday afternoon viewing...

From the moment I saw stock footage of sharks (circa 1976 and this film was made in 2002) I thought the smell of film manure was in the air...the premise is a giantic shark (bigger than your average London double decker bus mind you)from over 25 million years ago is now circling waters off the coast of Mexico...and has decided to eat a multi-billion $ undersea telecommunications cable and the fine holiday makers of a nearby resort...and yes there are lost of shots of titties and bottoms from the resort for no reason other that they are there...

Well if that isn't bad enough...the acting(my 5 year old nephew would win an oscar for saying 'I did a poo' compared to these 'actors'), costume (all circa 1987 with a BANG) and dialogue is just as original as the plot...this film has basically ripped off scripts ideas/elements/characters from other shark attack films ('Jaws', 'Deep Blue')and given them a new 'edgy' twist by adding even more annoying features...

Meet Ben Carpender lifeguard and general jerk who first notices the shark... and the botox infused Soap Opera reject Cataline Stone (both pictured) - a scientist from the San Diego Museum of History(there is one?) who obviously got her qualifications from a wheeties box...throw in a rough retired seaman Chuck (no beard but a limp and a rusty voice) who knows all about 'lady ocean' and just to make sure the sterotypes are alive and well...the chairman of the Cable company board who gets eaten by the shark on a jet ski(again I'm not making this up...)

The editing was obviously done by a blind crack whore (actually that is an insult to blind crack whores and I apologise) and the continuity person obviously shot themselves to make their job easier...

For example Ben submits his email to identify the shark tooth, he titles the message "Mystery Shark". When Cat finds it, it's titled "Mistery Shark" (I'm not kidding)...

Or when Cat & Ben get in a helicopter with the door open there is no wind...(helicopter is of course on the ground) - this was then carried over to the boat as they speed away to catch the shark...but the boat is moored so the actors pretend they are speeding away - a bit like when the shark breaks into the boat and leaves a hole as big as the moon and yet the boat does not sink...hmmm clever non sinking boat - wish that was invented when the titanic was around...and yes reader these highlights only the tip of this crapola of an iceberg...

The dialogue in this wonderous celulloid would make Oscar Wilde implode...including the following gems...

Cataline Stone:[sigh] I'm exhausted.

Ben Carpenter: Yeah, me too. But you know I'm really wired. What do you say I (pause) take you home and eat your pussy. (hmm friends got killed by ancient shark ..can I munch on your hairy clam?)

AND

Chuck Rampart:Always carry a spare. It's the NAVY way!

(My father, uncle & cousin were all in the navy most of their working lives and many things they have said and no mention yet of spare rule and rekated to the NAVY way...not even the Village People have made reference to it)

AND when they find out its an megalodon from over 25 million years ago...
Ben Carpenter:Megalo-who? ....Or the memorable...

Cataline Stone:You're extinct, fucker! (this is coming from a scientist who studies extinct spiecies?

But I think the best thing is when this shark actually attacks...think bad effects and models with crayola drawings and a shark that growls like a bear...let alone the cocktail party on the boat when people are jumping off that boat that isn't sinking so to be eaten by a shark...

I won't spoil the sub plot(yes the budget allowed for that)as this is possibly the worst film involving the shark genre...at least when the Fonz from 'Happy Days' Jumped the shark he was wearing a leather jacket and said 'Aeeeeee!' two thumbs a blazin'...I can't even begin to tell you how much I laughed at this - do yourself a favor pay the 7 bucks for this DVD hire when you are depressed or thinking that your life is dull and shit..its not as this film is...

O out of five choctops for a film...However 4 and a half golden turds out of 5 for bad films ever...